Better Than B.S.

Because Rap Music Is Better Than Everything

Archive for February, 2009

The Most Ballin’-est Thing In the World

Posted by Elijah on February 27, 2009

Vodpod videos no longer available.

First of all, props to Henry for showing me how to put OnSmash videos up in WordPress. Without OnSmash, what’s the damn point?

Anyway, at least watch the opening credits of the new Jamie Foxxx if you don’t wanna bother with the whole thing.

Damn, I’m not even sure what to say, Jake Gyllenhall is a weird enough choice but… but…This is either the most ballin’ thing ever or the most brilliantly postmodern music video ever made: like the 2009 version of that Roots song.

I mean really, who WANTS to be up in the club with Richie Cunningham? Fonz maybe, but Cunningham? Isn’t there anyone who’s won best director recently that’s a little less of a herb?

That’s probably a stupid question.

But, the more I think about it, the more it fits the concept of the song. I mean just imagine that you’re one of those good-lookin’, video-type chicks, you get all dressed up in your tight, short little dress and high heels to go not just to the club, but to the club where all the goddamn famous people are. For real. Then the next morning, you wake up next to bald and middle-aged Opie.

Damn. Blame it on the alcohol indeed.


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50 Cent Hates Fat People

Posted by Elijah on February 5, 2009

Who could ever get tired of this cover? Oh, that's right. Everybody.

Who could ever get tired of this cover? Oh, that's right. Everybody.

No, seriously, think about that shit. Think it the fuck over.

We all remember how when Fiddy was still going at Ja (ha! Ja Rule a star, what a ridiculous idea!) he went all out at Jadakiss and Fat Joe too just for doing a song with ol’ Jeffrey Zuko by way of one of the ugliest videos ever. But of the three he dissed (Nas came up too), which one did he just not ever, ever let up on? Which one did he rail against with fat joke after fat joke, even when the man had “Fat” right in his goddamn name? Sure, sure, maaaaybe 50 really pushed the beef with Joe, who has admitted to never having exchanged any words with 50 in person, because Kiss and Nas are stronger rappers, but that possibility undermines my point. So fuck it.

The point is, it ain’t just Rawwwws (fuck that “Rickyyyy” shit, Curtissss is just trying to turn things around). Back when Fiddy did “How To Rob” (man, remember hungry 50 Cent? and how he was still boring?) he dissed everyone, but he reserved a special barb for Big Pun’s weight, which, to be fair, was as cheap a shot as… well, I was gonna say something about the broad side of a barn, but that’s a cheap shot too. And if we move back up to nowadays, I sure as shit don’t remember seeing any shitty cartoons or baby-mama-drama or shitty photoshops (see Fat Joe) about Kanye or Weezy or Cam’Ron even Game, all of whom he’s taken shots at over the last few years.

Also, why Khaled if not a fat-phobia? And why, out of all of G-Unit, is Yayo especially Fiddy’s demeaned little Henchman (no Jimmy Henchman)? And let’s not forget that M.O.P ended up leaving the Unit partly because 50 insisted on getting them in shape.

Yeah. That’d work.

So, what does it all come down to? Other than envy over the size of man-tits? Well, I’m glad you asked. You know how of all people in this world, the ones who are the absolute meanest to big girls — with no humor or sarcasm behind it, just straight malevolence — are the skinny chicks? The ones who starve themselves or work out like crazy to keep from becoming the fat girl that they all think they teeter on the brink of becoming?

You have your answer. Makes you feel a little sorry for Fiddy, doesn’t it? He’s just insecure and upset, and he needs to work through his issues like anyone else: by dancing around the kitchen table, singing with his best girlfriends, and launching an all-out media blitz against someone he barely knows.


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